OK…this could get long…and rambly…because I’m thinking things out and it is late at night and this has been racking around my brain for a while. I’ll warn you right now, I’m not spell checking, rereading for grammar…I’m just bleching thoughts on the internet. You’ve been warned.
This past week there were a number of in-the-news flub-ups of civil behavior. A House representative blurted out “You Lie” during the guest speaker, President Obama, had the floor. A major star tennis player threatened a line-judge with bodily harm amidst a curse-filled tyraid. An acceptance speech and a young teenage singer’s moment was hijacked by an individual who has a history of self-aggrandizing under the guise of making a statement. Now…these things started conversations in my real and onlife life. Only one of them, in the conversations I was involved with, was mentioned in context of an apology needing to be made. And, oddly, that specific case had already given an apology to the one offended…but it was deemed not good enough. Putting aside for a moment any political side, any House Rules, any common sense that his mother may have raised him with, or whether or not one believes that there was truth-telling or shadiness in the president’s speech…Rep Wilson had the shortest outburst. It’s not fair to compare the three, I suppose…but only one used vulgar language, only one threatened bodily harm, and only one grandstanded. All of them were wrong.
The matter of was or wasn’t our President lying is sort of a grey area for myself. I agree, actually, that there wasn’t anything specifically written into the document which would substantiate proof that Wilson’s claim was correct. I do believe that logical consequences and domino effects and certain laws and certain unenforced laws make Wilson’s claim correct if everything was “go” right now. I think that it is disingenuous for Obama to not address this in particular…but, hey, for all I know he has it in his head to fix those things before this document is a “go.” I personally don’t believe it, but I’m not willing to call him a liar over it until he goes to approve anything final. Yet, I was really, genuinely, glad to hear that Wilson called to apologize, without prompts without having public opinion telling him to do so. I was really, truly shocked when I heard that there were people, liberal and conservatives alike, who felt that he owed more. I can understand an apology being addressed to the House, but I can also understand that the apology needs to be addressed to the one slandered or offended…and I’m not talking offending someone’s sensibilities here. Personally, I like that his apology to our President was genuine. I would not like a Yes But apology or a groveling to public image apology.
Serena Williams, from what I understand, actually was given a bad call from the line coach…and it was a pretty heavy cost…much costlier than the $10K fine…but probably not as costly as her dignity…but, in this world, maybe dignity can be polished and built back up when you are in that sphere than, say, mine. The fact that she went back again to continue venting didn’t help her…though, I’m sure the competitive nature is somewhat like adrenaline itself…it just has to run after it’s built up to such a level. I don’t know. I sure wouldn’t have wanted to be the one she was storming towards swinging her tennis racket after having been threatened though. And that turning back around into continuing to vent is what I betcha cost her. That’s just my speculation…but more points were denied her, and that cost her the game. Now, I’ve seen her post apology that wasn’t an apology…it wasn’t even a Yes But apology…it was only why she was upset. Still, I’m ok with someone needing to calm down before they realize what’s been done. I’m not writing her off because her past behavior, that I am familiar with, shows that this isn’t her norm. But…I’m not a tennis fan, so maybe others know a bit more than I do.
Kayne…well…he is pretty habitual. I’ve also seen his post-incident profession of how sorry he is…but he hasn’t said anything or made any contact to the person he injured earlier this week. I don’t believe I’ve heard anything about his past behaviors either. But, see, that’s the thing…he could have already broached things privately with those whom he has insulted in similar manner. I only know that as of yesterday the young lady stated that he had not infact reached out to her yet in any way. And that’s a shame. Because everything was so public, there’s an expectation, I suppose, of fairness that an apology must also be made public. Truthfully, I do not know where that line is with me. If he had gone right away back stage and taken responsibility for the slight, then I would say that he actually doesn’t need to make a big press release for it…it would be done. Which I suppose is why I’m not so miffed about the Wilson thing, am hoping for Williams and just shake my head at Kayne. Williams just rehashed, but Kayne mentioned that he would like to apologize. Like to. Apologize.
“Like to.” You know, while he has a history, I’m a bit sympathetic to the whole “Like To” factor…If he is to be believed, then wouldn’t you agree that the absolute worst part of apologizing isn’t necessarily taking on the responsibility, it isn’t admitting that you’ve even done something wrong, it isn’t even a fear of getting lectured, or even being told that you aren’t going to be forgiven…it’s the having to face the person you’ve hurt. Some might say it is pride…and yea, I can use that word…but it’s a sheepish drag feet type of pride, not a puffed up “I can’t be wrong” type pride. When you know you’ve really messed up, really stuck your foot in it…and you deny yourself the opportunity to seek forgiveness…man…I’ve been there, and let me tell you, it sucks. Big Time. I don’t know if that is where Kayne finds himself at this moment. Pinning that on him really is projecting things, and that isn’t fair. It’s either giving him too much credit or not giving him the correct credit. I’m willing, for all three, to allow them to take responsibilities for their words and actions and not expect to hear the resolution to any of it.
OK…so that’s just my pre-ramble…because now I’m going to bring it back down to a personal and more applicable level for myself.
I do not like fessing up. That’s just the gosh honest truth. In my early marriage, when I over spent, I would round down when asked point-blank how much I spent. I would “stash” things for a while so that if DH asked if I had just bought something, I could – legalistically – say, “What, this ol thing?” Now, I didn’t put us in the poor house, I wasn’t going to loose my husband over such purchases…but, I knew I was doing wrong based on what our needs and responsibilities were. And I did much worse. When he would legitimately (or even not legitimately) bring up issues against me…I addressed them with “Well, *this* is why I had no choice but to …” and thiswas always something I blamed him for. And if I knew that I couldn’t pull the wool over his eyes, I super did the whole switcherroo, “Oh, yeah? Well, look here buddy boy, you are way worse than me because you did this!” Now, this thismight not of infact been worse at all…but with the right inflection I totally could have him believing that I believed it was way worse. So you see, I hated fessing up so much that I made my marriage rocky, I purposely undermined my husband’s position and I gambled away the amount of trust he could have in me as well as even seeing me as someone he could even open his heart to. I was, in essence, my own cancer.
I do not know what made the change in me. It is, still, very difficult for me to apologize. I remember hearing the song One Weekby Barenaked Ladies and thinking…OMG, there is at least one other person out there that handles things exactly how I do. Because seriously, sane people shouldn’t handle themselves that way. I can continue an argument or a defense while knowing I’m completely wrong. What’s more, I can continue an argument or a defense knowing that I’m going to apologize because I am feeling badly…but it is so difficult to stop and ask for forgiveness. I have done this a few times, just been able to tie a knot in my pride and offer a short “You’re right, I’m sorry” without trying to divert or even to explain myself (if it was bad communication that was the problem). DH has been caught off guard every single time, raising his eyebrow with an “Alrighty, then. That’ll be that.” And…God bless him, DH does not go on to vent, does not gloat, doesn’t even try to rehash…he is so grown up, if I apologize, it’s over. I don’t have to gravel or listen to lectures or anything. I do not even have to prove myself worthy…oh, sometimes he needs a minute to go off on his own, LOL, but he’s not punching walls or anything. So…you’d think, right, that it would make asking for forgiveness all that much easier because I know the reaction is dependable. Well, it doesn’t. But I’m doing it more.
Earlier this week I’ve been suffering with migraines. I’ve had the need dark and throwing up type headaches. But, I’m responsible for paying the bills. I went online, selected auto pay for everything, but neglected to do math on paper and did not transfer any money from savings into checking. Added to this, we are already very tight on money, and I’ve accepted DH’s splurging on me (buying knitting material and pizza twice). A few days went by, and I finally checked my balance…which was exactly $0. I freaked…the account has over draft protection, so they were transferring money in – which kept our debtors from knowing what a dink I was and from charging us late fees – and for each transfer we were pinged an additional dollar amount. We lost an equivalent to a small bill because of my poor management. Because I’m a SAHM, and because I’m in charge of paying the bills, I felt like I was stupid and selfish on a whole bunch of fronts…and I did not want to have my husband feel this way about me, too. Now…he wouldn’t, and if he did or has he has never said, LOL, but the fear is there, right? So…my inclination was to not tell him at all. He wouldn’t know if I didn’t tell him, honestly. No harm, no foul. But I knew he would want to know…and honestly, I needed, for my own angst, to know that I was forgiven for being so careless. So…I told him. And, yeah, he was a little “wow” at how much we had been charged, relieved that we had overdraft protection, and super understanding that I had tried to do good by paying the bills on time and had fudged my way through it. Then I think he asked for something to eat…or something…and I had to repeat what had happened. I started to cry…because I felt like what I had done deserved to be yelled at…or more so…I think I would have yelled at it just from the freaking out factor. But he was calm, understanding.
So…I had done something that was a real act that potentially could have done some harm, even though it wasn’t a mean act on my part. I had wanted to lie and hide from him, which would have been something against him.
Then the next set of circumstances I come across are talks with various people…we discussed the latest H1N1 (does anyone else go all grade-school and laugh that that reads hiney?)outbreak and some of our pet peeves about people going out in public places when they obviously are infectious…and there were some really nice ladies who suppose that someone back home might be dying and the infectious person is risking it all to go fetch some food or seek prayer or what have you. And then there were people who have been in public places and have said that people look at them or treat them like lepers because they don’t want to get sick themselves. Now…look, I don’t know what one has to do in order to make someone else feel like a leper. I would hate that anyone would feel that way, or would feel self-conscious enough that they truly perceive that people are shunning them…but, I don’t want to get sick, either. And if I get up and move because you sit down next to me, or I don’t let my kid play at your home while your youngest is obviously oozey, I don’t consider it fair to be offended over my trying to take better care of my health than you are trying to take care of my health. So, that’s a little picture of what’s been discussed, and while it was obvious that some people on both sides of the issue (and I would include myself in there) were talking and taking things personally, no one through up “You’ve hurt my feelings.” I consider it a mark of a real grown up conversation when people can talk about things they are obviously invested in without throwing that up. And, I will take care in a conversation to try to word my statements clearly while not trying to be condemning or accusatory…because…well, I like back and forth conversations, I like hashing out ideas, I like having my thoughts challenged, and challenging others. I don’t like bashing or being bashed. I will inevitably say something that someone doesn’t like, I might even be intolerant at some things…and I might have some foible of my own exposed…but I do not want to ever get to the point where myself or the other person *has* to apologize for our hurt sensibilities. Apologizing for being purposely rude, sure. Apologize for making things personal or emotional, sure. Apologize for perceptions…well, I try (and sometimes will fail) to try to “hear” the other person in the best light possible. If my foibles are splayed out there, if I’ve been caught in an inconsistency or a prideful moment or even a lie, then hooooo…I’m not going to like it, but I need it, know what I mean? Now, saying something along the lines of “You are a horrible, horrible wife! I can’t believe your husband would stay with such a shrewish woman..” isn’t exposing anything…now saying “You are endangering your position with your husband by doing/behaving XYZ” and reminding me to ground myself a bit…or helping me see things from a proper perspective, I’m totally going to at least be able to hear. That’s why I liked that conversation…we kinda were circling that proverbial whirlpool, but no one was sucked down.
I had another conversation in which no one was personally talking about themselves. In fact, it was something along the lines of did Jesus or did Jesus not have siblings…which degenerated into a conversation about did Mary or did Mary not ever lose her virginity. OK, let’s put aside what I believe and why, or what the individual opinions were…someone made a claim that something was historical and had fully been accepted by the entire church before X-date..this was questioned by a couple of individuals whether it was accurate to say this was ”historical” or whether it was a traditional story. Having been a student of Ancient Judaic and Church history (no, I’m not a professor…but those are the areas of my geeky indulgence), I implied that perhaps this was not so much accurate to say the “entire” church, but that it was a popular notion/tradition from a specific denomination, but that I would like to know her sources. I did not, in fact, say what denomination…I literally only suggested that it was a denominational belief that may or may not have spread to acceptance, but it was unfair to state that an entire believing populace ever in full agreement. To which I was charged with saying people within a given denomination were not, in fact, believers. Ok…..not even what I said, inferred or implied. And yea, I will say that I’m thrown when someone says I’ve just stated something that I haven’t stated, or asks for clarity. But what kept me from being all ARGGGHHH about it was that this person said that I had offended them. Then they went on a mini rant about what they perceived that I was stating (remember, the conversation had not mentioned denominational names, had not discussed salvation issues, had not even drawn the lines of if-you-believe-this-then-you-are-aren’t-a-heathen). Then they pulled out of the conversation, declaring that they wouldn’t be back to visit this topic again. Now…my thing is this…I am willing to say that in light of my recent listening in to conversations and observing the news, that I’m not so sure what I think about apologies for sensibilities (emotions/feelings) and not for real slights (intentional or not). Meaning if I did something to hurt you, accidentally or purposely, knowingly or unknowingly, of course I should apologize. If a person’s feelings are set on uber high, and have from their own fears/pride, hurt their own feelings by not paying attention…then is an apology really owed. Right off, that is why I do not believe some of those headline blips need apologies, and why I think some of those headline blips do. I was clear in my writing, I asked for proof, wasn’t confrontational or insulting to people who believed differently than did I (heck, at that point I hadn’t even chimed in on what I believed about the topic, I simply addressed the insisted overstatement). But…what if I had? What if I had been boorish in my choice of words? How could I have had the opportunity to apologize when someone says that they are offended and then slams the door to any further communication (which is what I take from a statement saying that they are closing the door on the matter). LOL, so yeah, then my sensitivities were all bunched…but instead of defending my original argument, or trying to clarify what or why I said anything, I only responded – if for no one else, anyone who would see the thread later - that what she was claiming I said was not what I said. Well, that’s not exactly true. That’s all I said there…and I used my own blog space to be all aghast at it. Not very grown up, I’m sure.
Which led me to the Yes, But type apologies…because I so badly wanted to say something akin to “I’m sorry you feel this way, but”…but I wasn’t sorry she felt that way at all. Which possibly speaks badly for me. She owns her feelings, like I own mine. I’m confident that if she rereads it she’ll say “Hmmm…she’s right…none of what I went off about is on there at all.” And cool. Then I thought about dropping the “I’m sorry” part, stating that she was falsely accusing me of something, correcting her…and then going off on basically what would be a diatribe defending my position and then including defenses to all the arguments she gave in her complaint against me.
And…wow. Would that bug me if I was on the other side of the stick? It sure would. If I was hurt by something that someone said, or by what I thought someone was saying, and I went off about it…and if that person was absolutely accurate, though, in what they had said…and then went on a big ol’ lecture? Wouldn’t matter if I was in the wrong or not, it would steam me pretty bad. And if I felt I was right or knew I was wrong…but the offending party said “I’m not going to apologize” or even “You are being too sensitive” that would steam me all the more. But, if we know someone has something against us, we are supposed to go to them. And if we know we have hurt someone we are supposed to go to them.
In earlier conversations, about the national incidents, the topic of going to the one we have wronged and going to the one who has something against us came up up in conversation. I took a strong disagreement with the position of the individual who brought up the issue of forgiveness, philosophically speaking. Now, I understood about half of what she said. I do not doubt that she understood half of what I was saying. It was one of those funny (not ha-ha) conversations where you know you are speaking the same language, have the same understanding…but can’t figure out why your not in consensus. If I asked for clarity on something, she’d only give me clarity on the parts that I didn’t have a disagreement with her on. She probably felt I was doing the same. Crossed wires. No hurt feelings…but strong beliefs for both of us.
Now, I’ve been thinking and mulling this over because slights and forgiveness has been just on the forefront of conversations I’ve been having. I think that my issue is, as I mentioned up thread, not so much with seeking forgiveness…but the timing…or even if an apology is in order. If I know a brother has something against me, I’m thinking court-case here. If there is a legitimate thing (not by my judgement…but a real thing) between us, I want it resolved, and I will go to you and seek you out to offer an apology, or to at least open up the door to make it easy for you to apologize to me. (”You” here of course is imaginary at this point…this isn’t a coded message to anyone specifically.) Yet, if you are begrudging me my opinion, or if I am embarrassed by your observations…then I’m not so much expecting an apology or seeing a need for offering forgiveness for either one of us.
I personally hate the “I’m sorry if your feelings are hurt” type apologies. Look, they are, that’s why you know they are hurt. The “if” in the sentence is a stinger. Either I’m over reacting and not able to handle it yet on my own in which case an “if” is going to sound like you are patronizing me, or I’m totally the victim of something you’ve done and the “if” is going to sound like you are trivializing the situation (i.e., making me out to look as if I’m the crazy one). I’d just plain not want to hear any apology than an “if” apology. I also hate the “I’m sorry, but” apologies. And I’m just so the worst at giving those. When I’m giving them, I’m saying I’m sorry because I’m sooooooo sorry and that it would mean the world to me for you to know that I know I stuck my big foot in my mouth by not properly conveying whatever it was I was trying to convey and if I could just have another chance, I know you’ll understand that my intentions weren’t to be boorish or inconsiderate and not because I’m trying to yet still convince you into changing your mind to agree with me (that’s what follows the word “but” btw). Yet, I know when I hear “but” coming from my kids or my husband, or my parents or my friends or people on line or people in the media or anywhere else in the known world, it’s a hard thing to listen to and realize that perhaps they are trying to overcompensate a misstep by explaining instead of digging their proverbial whole with me a little deeper.
OK…so…I don’t know how exactly to wrap this up…so I’m just going to say that I’m going to slink off to bed now. I’m exhausted.
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