INT. ZOO – DAY
There’s a lot of commotion and clamoring outside the gorilla exhibit at the zoo. People are buzzing about something this REPORTER is going to tell us about:
REPORTER
Thanks, Sally. People are buzzing about the ground-breaking news I’m about to share with you. A gorilla, at the zoo, is a painter. Yes, that’s right, a fucking gorilla. I shit you not.
The Reporter probably doesn’t really talk like this, but I thought it’d be funny. Anyway.
REPORTER
And this isn’t like an elephant painting or a horse or a chimpanzee. This gorilla is actually good. I’m talking Grandma Moses good. Or Monet good. But not Manet, that dude was a hack.
Great art history joke.
REPORTER
Anyway, let’s take a look at this dude do his thing…
We angle on the gorilla enclosure. One gorilla paints. He’s happy as fuck. The other gorilla is sad. Mainly because he can’t paint, but also because he has to take a dump and all these people are here. He’s too nervous to go. So he waits.
The painting gorilla has a GREY SPLOTCH on his head. Pay attention to that last part: the painting gorilla has a GREY SPLOTCH on his head. That shit’s gonna come into play later.
The painting gorilla just paints and then reveals his masterpiece. (Note: we should get a person to do the actual painting because I just made up this painting gorilla shit and actually finding one will probably be impossible. But I guess casting should give it a shot. It would be cool if it was a real painting gorilla.)
Anyway, the painting is awesome. Better than anything you could do, trust me.
CUT TO:
EXT. FAKE FORESTY AREA AT ZOO – LATER
Suddenly we cut to an interview set-up thing with the reporter, the painting gorilla and the TRAINER (A super hot chick. Think of a super hot chick. Any hot chick. That’s who this is.)
REPORTER
So this is some pretty impressive shit.
TRAINER
Yes, it is. Popono loves painting.
Apparently the painting gorilla is named POPONO.
REPORTER
We hear he does American Sign Language.
TRAINER
Yes, he does. You can totally ask him anything you want.
REPORTER
Popono, we hear your paintings are selling for a lot of money and people with a lot of money are buying your paintings. What are you going to do with the money?
POPONO
(subtitled from his American Sign Language)
Well, I don’t have any real dreams but to just paint. My cage-mate Fofofo wants to buy a boat and sail around the world, but he’s talentless. So I will steal his dream.
REPORTER
That’s a great story, Popono.
What? That’s a terrible story. Whatever.
Music swells because we’re doing a montage.
REPORTER (VO)
And paint Popono did…
–Popono paints an awesome painting.
–Tom Cruise gives Popono cash for the painting.
–Popono paints an awesome painting.
–Justin Timberlake gives Popono cash for the painting.
–Popono paints an awesome painting.
–Glenn Close gives Popono cash for the painting.
–Popono paints an awesome painting.
–Tom Cruise gives Popono cash for the painting again!!!
–Popono paints an awesome painting.
–Lil Wayne gives Popono cash for the painting.
–Popono paints an awesome painting.
–Obama gives Popono cash for the painting.
–Popono paints an awesome painting.
–A bank robber gives Popono cash for the painting. Everyone laughs and the cops arrest him.
–Popono paints an awesome painting.
–Tom Cruise gives Popono cash for the painting again! He can’t get enough Popono paintings!
EXT. ZOO – DAY
The media is there and they are having a field day or whatever they have when they are excited about something. It’s so serious that journalists are coming back from the dead to cover this. Not really. That’s not right for this movie tonally.
REPORTER
Popono has raised enough money to buy not only his freedom, but also a yacht to sail around the world.
Popono smiles, then hands a giant check to the zookeeper. No one really understands this part.
POPONO
(subtitled from his American Sign Language)
I’m totally ready to live out my cage-mate’s dream of sailing around the world!
Fuck. No way did he just dis his cage-mate like that. Well, he did.
Fofofo just fumes like, “You gotta be kidding me with this shit.”
But no one is joking about any of this. Especially Tom Cruise, who is going nuts about the paintings still! He has pictures of them in his wallet like they’re his kids! Maybe the weirdest thing he’s ever done.
CUT TO:
EXT. OCEAN – DAY
People wave as Popono sails away on his yacht.
REPORTER
And thus ends an empowering tale of a gorilla that’s probably more talented than anyone alive right now.
CUT TO:
EXT. ZOO – DAY
We’re at the gorilla enclosure and Fofofo looks downtrodden. The Trainer tries to console him, but she’s for shit at comforting gorillas.
TRAINER
It’s okay, Fofofo. You just weren’t born with any talent. Kinda like me. You know my sister plays in the WNBA? Yep. She got all the talent. And all the women.
There’s a long beat where Fofofo just wants her to leave. Their situations aren’t alike at all.
TRAINER
Welp, I’m out of here. Peace.
She gets up and leaves. Fofofo is like, “About time.”
He them looks over in a mirror and notices a lighter splotch on the top of his head.
He quickly pulls out a marker and colors it black.
You know why?
Because it’s ACTUALLY POPONO!
THE GORILLAS TRICKED EVERYONE AND POPONO, WHO JUST WANTED TO STOP PAINTING PRETENDED TO SAIL OFF INTO THE SUNSET, BUT IT WAS REALLY FOFOFO, WHO JUST WANTED TO SAIL OFF INTO THE SUNSET!
THEY’RE BOTH LIVING THEIR DREAMS!
NOBODY SAW THAT COMING!
That took a lot longer to write than I thought it would.
THE END.
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